American Camel

(This was first published in May of 2004, in the Midnight Movie category)

American Camel Films is a top secret project to pay for the War without having to come, hat in hand, to Congress for more supplementals. "It was getting damned embarrassing," Captain Ass Ryder, Abu Ghraib's recreation officer, said in a recent interview with Pornographic Lifestyles Magazine's editor, Ben Dover.

"We expected the oil to lubricate the invasion and eliminate friction with the public; we already had Congress in our pocket. The original thrust through the desert and into Bagdad was overpowering. But, in retrospect, our justification was lubricated with fantasy."



"So, Ass, you're saying you had an STD?"

"Sexually transmitted democracy, that's right. We impregnated Iraq with the seeds of democracy, and now we must protect her through gestation. But it remains essential that Iraq pay for her liberation, and since she isn't doing it in oil, the least the Iraqis can do is participate in pornographic S&M movies."

"Isn't this just the reincarnation of Saddam Hussein with a Houston public relations team?"

"Image is everything, Ben. Most people never see any reality that isn't edited for taste, and one thing we can say about American Camel Films, they reflect the gritty reality of sex with Arab people, who, as you know, are animals who only understand dominance and submission. We are giving them democracy with a real difference."

"What difference is that?"

"One word, Ben. Privatization. You have to move away from communal responsibility of democracy, and toward control by a Board of Directors. American Camel Films, a subsidiary of Halliburton, is 'A fresh face in the erotic movie industry,' according to Billboard. And Rolling Blog Magazine calls American Camel " ' .. the homo-erotic equivalent of 'Mr. Smith Comes On Washington.'"

"So, you are saying that these pictures coming out of Abu Ghraib Prison are ... ?"

"They are stills, Ben. The liberal media and the anti-war contingent, in possibly criminal collaboration with foreign fighters with known connections to Al Qaeda, are trying to portray an attempt by the Iraqi menfolk to give something back, and thus salvage their dignity, as American war crimes.

"Their gratitude with our sending a small, light force after Saddam, and then providing no security, was darkened by their realization that their oil wasn't going to pay for it.

"We had people bringing oil in buckets, saying, 'Please, we want Americans to have more oil.' But the damned technology is old as sin, and therein was the germ of an idea. Not our idea, mind you, but theirs. When we explained to them we use oil much too fast to transport it in buckets, one of them said, 'If our lives and our honor we sacrificed for Saddam, our asses we now sacrifice for Uncle Sam.'"

"And that's how it began?"

"That how it began, Ben. Before we knew it there were volunteers showing up wanting to participate in American Camel Films. Mostly they volunteered because they discovered there were American females willing to play the dominatrix role of Ilsa ..."

"Wait a second, Ass. Did you just let the cat out of the bag that a remake of 'Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS,' is in the pipeline for American Camel?"

"That was off the record, Ben, but yes, it's the remake of a classic."

"And all these pictures? They're not really showing abuse?"

"Not at all, Ben. These guys are all volunteers. They wear the hoods because, as you know, acting in porn films is going to be frowned on by the mullahs, and they don't want their families to be pelted with fruit and laughed at, that sort of thing."

"Why the name, Ass? What is the significance of American Camel? Is it a camel with one hump or two humps?"

"The Arabian camel has one hump, Ben. But with an American Camel, one expects that there's always one more hump to be had."

"Just one more question before we look at the rushes from the new film, 'Rummy, Queen of Abu Ghraib,' Ass. Did George W. really get outraged about the pornographic film industry's privatizing Abu Ghraib? Or is this building publicity for the release date ... was it in July?"

"June 30, in a plain brown wrapper shipped to your home or place of business. And the fact is that George is always in favor of privatization. He and Sharon are going to the opening together to watch the Arabs get schlepped. Can I say that on CNN with that Powell kid hanging around?

Posted: Sun - December 17, 2006 at 07:05 PM