Psychic Detective

In the Bay Area you can find anything, and probably in your immediate neighborhood. There are special advertising newspapers for people who offer unusual services, most of them some aspect of the psychic arts, whether in its healing aspect, martial aspect, or erotic aspect. Porter considered all "tell me more about me" arts as erotic, because they involved a messy emotional entanglement and lurid lies.

Porter had advertised himself as a Psychic Detective because he was investigating whether he had psychic ability, and if so, how did it work?

So when Israel asked, "What exactly does a psychic detective do?" he assumed a confident air and complimented his host on the Chai tea with hot goat milk.

"Goats milk has fat globules much closer to the size of human breast milk than cow's milk does," Israel said in reply. "We shouldn't even be drinking cow's milk."

Porter leaned forward and resisted being sucked into a conversation about fat globules. "I track things through the psyche," he said, "like a regular detective tracks things through records and by observing patterns. It's surprising how many people are having psychic disturbances that never flare into violence, but are always there, like low level poison."

"I know what you mean," Israel said. "I used to be pretty happy go lucky, but lately I feel creepy when I walk past that old man's house."

"You keep referring to him as an old man. How old are we talking here, Is?"

"I don't know. He must be at least sixty."

"I'd call that an older man, but not an old man. It depends of course."

"Keith Richards."

"Chet Baker, and the list is a long one. But do you have a name for this man?"

"I think his first name is Francisco."

"He's Spanish?"

"More of an Indian, I'd say. He has a funny barrel chest and short arms, no neck, and black curly hair that looks like it needs washing. So, you said you observe patterns? How exactly does that solve my problem? I mean, what I really want is for him to not be inside of my head. I'm not myself anymore. I say stupid things."

"What do you mean, stupid things? Give me an example?"

"Yesterday I went into a donut shop, which I never do, because I don't like to eat things that aren't nutritious and healthful. But I found myself in a Crispy Cream Donut place, watching the glazed donuts coming along on the conveyor belt."

"Still warm?"

"Yea. And they gave me the first one free."

"What has this got to do with your saying something stupid?"

"I was eating donuts and then all of a sudden I realized how good donuts are with coffee, so I asked for coffee, but I wasn't myself. I was rude, and I'm never rude. I hate rude people."

"What exactly did you say that was rude?"

"Who do you have to fuck to get a cup of coffee in here?"

"That's rude."

"I know. I told you, I wasn't myself. I wouldn't say something like that."

"how did the people there respond?"

"The one with the red hair said, 'Him,' and the boy making the donuts said, 'Yourself.' The black girl said 'You want a medium size or a large?'"

"And you said?"

"Medium. I was alright after that one outburst. I told you, it comes when I'm relaxed, not on my guard. And last week I I was so relaxed I spent the rent money on hookers. But then I started to realize it wasn't me, it was him. He put a spell on me, and I have to pay attention all the time or I say something stupid. So, can you take off the spell?"

"Certainly," Porter said. He wasn’t selling bacon, he was selling sizzle.

"About your fee? How exactly do you earn the five hundred dollar retainer?"

"I break the spell."

"Don't you think it's expecting a lot of me to pay you in advance? I mean, this is a peculiar business. If you just take the money and walk away, what am I going to do? I can't sue you for it back because I can't demonstrate your services. There's no way to make an objective deal, here."

"That's exactly right, Israel. There's no objective deal. The fact of the matter is that getting the money in advance is the greatest motivator in the world. Nobody wants to be cheated, so by giving me the money in advance, your unconscious will work much harder to solve this problem than it would otherwise."

"I guess that makes sense, from a certain point of view."

"Without a new point of view we can't move forward, Israel. In fact, that's the very meaning of repentance, when you trace it back to its root. It means to think with a new mind, which is having a new point of view. Did I tell you that under hypnosis an allergy will often disappear? You can have a disease in one state of consciousness and not in a different state of consciousness. The body has a mind of its own, Israel, and it's from that mind you suddenly find yourself in the middle of Crispy Creme Donuts, yelling, 'Who do you have to fuck to get a cup of coffee in here?' And the black girl the only one who heard you order coffee, and ignored the stylistics of how you express yourself."

"I feel like I might be the biggest fool in the world to give you five hundred dollars to get a voice out of my head."

"It's not just a voice, Israel. It's an entity. You may be possessed by an evil spirit. Do you want to quibble about money at a time like this?"

"No, I don't." He pulled a small roll of hundreds out of his pocket and counted off five of them, which left him with only two. "How are you going to meet this guy?"

"I'm going to sit in front of his house until he wants to know who I am."

Posted: Fri - December 5, 2008 at 02:13 PM