Alone With Louise


This cowboy walks into a bar. Actually, he just looks like a cowboy. He's never ridden horses much and he's afraid of cows because even though they're docile, there's always a chance one of them could be getting strange hormones or chemicals in the feed. She might charge him or something and what would he do? Some situations you just can't figure out. He didn't realize how dark was his scowl as he contemplated his fear of cows.

Billy noticed. In fact, he thought the cowboy was scowling at him in the bar mirror. This was because Billy was disciplined a lot when he was a kid. At least that's the story. When he did things wrong he was disciplined so that he wouldn't be wayward. The problem was he didn't intend to do anything wrong and didn't know he was doing something wrong, so the punishment seemed to him to come out of nowhere.

When he was grown he accepted that children know when they're doing something wrong, because to not accept it would be to think his parents were a little crazy. Regardless of whose fault it was, if anybody's, Billy was always expecting punishment to come out of nowhere. He was extremely sensitive to disapproval, which was the mother of assault, in his experience.

Dallas the bartender was picking up bad vibes from the cowboy. He thought maybe he ought to try and chill him some so he went over close to where he was sitting at the bar and started wiping glasses. Dallas had tawny complexion and black hair in tight curls, so that he looked like he might have some black blood. His shoulders were so wide he looked like he might have some horse blood. He didn't like to start talking to another man if there wasn't eye contact first, and the cowboy seemed all inward and pissed off about something.

In the background there was music playing. Dallas had a computer hooked to internet radio, and he began to hum along with Ray Stevens, da da da, da da dada da, then he began to sing along, "he was raised on loco weed, he's what you'd call a swinging half-breed, singing his cow cow boogie in the strangest way, ya dada da da, yippy yi yay ..."

The cowboy seemed to come to, like he'd forgotten where he was. He looked suspiciously at Dallas, who smiled warmly and winked at him. Dallas didn't think about anybody getting mad at him because he was certain everybody liked him, and besides, he was part horse and could throw anybody out of the bar if it was only a matter of strength. It was no problem to bum rush either or both of these yokels back out onto the street.

"Did you fucking wink at me?" the cowboy asked. He was incredulous.

"No," Dallas lied. "I winked at her." He moved his head to the right to draw the cowboy's eyes on around toward the door, where Louise was looking in. "She's a half breed," he said, "gets a little whiskey in her and there's no telling what she'll do. And you want to know something bizarre?"

He moved over a little to stand right in front of the cowboy and look down at him. The cowboy shrunk a little in Dallas' shadow. He didn't smile, but he played along enough to shrug, at least, and fein interest. Dallas said, "These songs play on a loop, so Cow Cow Boogie sort of orbits around on schedule. She comes in when it's playing, every time. If I have on another station, she won't show up. She only comes in when Cow Cow Boogie is playing."

"Maybe the time she comes in is just the time it comes around." The conversation paused as Louise passed behind the cowboy and moved on down the bar.

"It's not like that. It's not the same time; they vary the loop, throw in some new things, take out songs, and you know what's weird? If they take out Cow Cow Boogie I don't think I'd ever see her again. The song ended just as Louise sat down on the stool beside Billy. This was a problem for Billy because he knew that Louise would be normal until she had a couple of drinks and then she'd get argumentative, and after some more drinks she'd get vicious, and finally she would descend into satire so wicked it would qualify as a murder weapon.

Billy wanted to move but he didn't want to be conspicuous about it, didn't want to make it look like Louise walked up and he bounced off the rail and rolled into the corner. He'd wait a little bit, then pick up his drink and go to the pool table. There was one problem; he didn't have anybody to shoot with and if he was shooting by himself Louise might ask if she could play against him, and he'd be stuck again. As he planned his strategy he was unaware of his face, which was frozen in a grimace suggesting he was seeing something awful. He was. He was seeing a memory of Louise.

This wasn't lost on the cowboy, who was looking in the mirror at Louise, and couldn't help noticing Billy's hateful stare. "Is that her boyfriend?" he asked.

Dallas shook has head no. "That's just a kid who works as a mechanic at the Dodge dealership," he said. "That look on his face is panic; he's trying to figure out how to get away from Louise without insulting her."

"I don't like the way he's looking at me, is all. He ought to keep his eyes on his own self."

"He's not looking at you."

"It sure looks like he's looking at me."

"It might look that way, but take my word for it, he's just scared of that cow."

The cowboy's face reddened. He straightened up and turned to his right. He glared at Billy. "You got a problem, buddy?" he barked.

At first Billy was going to ignore the cowboy, but then he realized this was good fortune. He got off the barstool and moved away from Louise, toward the cowboy. "I've had just about enough of you," he barked back.

Dallas chuckled to himself as he wiped another glass. Then he took a deep breath and sighed heavily. He was going to have to throw them both out, which meant he was going to be left alone with Louise.

Posted: Thu - February 16, 2006 at 02:43 PM