Interview With the Bicycle


President Bush went to Congress last week to do some cheerleading, telling lawmakers that handing power back to the Iraqi people is like taking the training wheels off a bicycle. "It's time for (the Iraqis) to take the bike and go forward," he said. He flew back to Texas, went for a bike ride, and fell off, losing some face. I interviewed the bicycle by telephone this morning.

"First of all, I'm sure my readers are going to express incredulity at the idea of an inanimate object giving an interview. How do you do it?"

"Through a spokes person."

"Very good. Now, we normally don't do blog interviews with things, as opposed to people, because while anthropomorphizing animals is trite and tiresome, giving human qualities to an object seems even more of a reach in a respectable news vehicle such as 'Stray Shot.'"

"I think you nailed it when you said 'news vehicle,' Dan. The fact is, since the President has solved the problem of people abusing other people with the idea of tearing down an evil, old prison, and erecting a new, good prison, the entire tenor of the debate has taken a new turn. Your blog is a vehicle, I'm a vehicle, and Abu Ghraib is a vehicle. Nothing is personal."

"So, the evil that is Abu Ghraib is in the objectified stones and mortar as opposed ..."

" ... exactly right ... you could have put Hogan's Heros in charge of that place and in two weeks they would have been shoving a barrel cactus up Colonel Klink's ass. The evil of Saddam penetrated the very ground, the very stones, the very panties, of that horrible place."

"Now, even though you are an object, and Abu Ghraib is an object, you are very different in kind, are you not? How do you communicate with something so utterly unlike yourself?"

"Being an object, Dan, I have to have a medium through which I communicate. Remember that I am in intimate contact with the Presidential asshole, and thus know his heart and mind. He thinks that Abu Ghraib is evil because Dick Cheney explained it to him."

"I'm not sure I follow you."

"An old prison which has a negative public relations spin is bad enough, but even worse, there's no profit in it. With a new prison, there are contracts that can be awarded, private prison companies can administer it ... plus, they really like prisons, and think there should be a lot more of them to hold all the bad people who proliferate like rabbits under their watch.

"You notice Mr. Bush didn't just advocate tearing Abu Ghraib down and putting up a hospital or a school or something like that."

"Maybe, but it sounds like a bait and switch to me. Instead of talking about who's responsible for criminal behavior in his cabinet, he shifts the focus to tearing down the prison, as if the problem is a symbolic one instead of a substantive one. Do you think he can get away with that?"

"I think Mark Twain put it best, Dan. You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time. The core of right wing support George Bush has left wouldn't desert him if he was videotaped chopping up live puppies. But let's not dismiss the power of symbols.

"Places and objects absorb energy, and people are affected by that energy. I know I am affected very strongly by being in contact with the Presidential Asshole. And as a bicycle, I resented his trying to involve me in the transition of power in Iraq."

"So ... you're saying that it wasn't really an accident that he fell on his face?"

"It was a symbol, Dan, the same as Abu Ghraib is a symbol. He can't have it both ways. If he wants to solve the problem of his being complicit in criminal activity by tearing down an old prison and building a new prison, then I can solve the problem of his continuing to make stupid analogies between Iraq and bicycles by throwing his ass over the handlebars."

"What kind of bicycle are you, anyway?"

"I'm a John Wheeler."

"Wasn't he a physicist who worked on the equation to determine what kind of matter is inside a cold, dead star?"

"That's right."

"I'm not sure I get the connection."

"It's subtle."

Posted: Thu - May 27, 2004 at 04:53 PM