Tue - March 11, 2008

Jesse Goodboy (001)


Jesse Goodboy is one of the characters I came up with years ago, when Jim and I were first doing comedy skits. Jesse's motto is, "I'd just as soon kill you as look at you." He works for whoever has the money to pay him, and has no conscience whatsoever. In this impromptu skit, Jesse (me) is engaged by an Obama representative (Jim Patten) to "take down" HIllary.

Posted at 11:31 PM     Read More  

Fri - March 7, 2008

The Clinton Monster


The Obama Campaign's Samantha Power backed off her portrayal of Hillary Clinton as a "monster," revising it to: "Hillary provides subsidized housing for a monster." While Power was forced to resign because of her monstrous allegation, she did stimulate an internal affairs investigation injected directly into Hillary's inferior vena cava, to discover what monster has moved into her basement.

Posted at 01:17 PM     Read More  

Wed - January 23, 2008

Pallets From Heaven


It's been awhile since I talked to George W., mostly because he seems pretty testy, considering the firepower at his disposal. If you still feel defensive when everybody else can go to hell while you're in a mineshaft elevator finally having that drink, you're an incorrigible megalomaniac. But one has to make an effort, so by means of psychic sophistry I traveled to the streets of Washington, D.C., where W's antiChrist, M, is on the prowl.

Posted at 11:41 AM     Read More  

Fri - December 7, 2007

Neoconezer the Younger


Neoconezer the Younger is probably the least known of the Vice President's advisors. His brothers, Cole, Jim, John and Bob, rose to prominence as security contractors. Not many reporters have had the opportunity to see Neoconezer in person, but like Plato's shadows on the cave wall, they have seen the effects of his influence on administration policy.

Posted at 09:01 PM     Read More  

Tue - November 6, 2007

President Ron Paul


Ron Paul is one candidate I listen to who doesn't seem to be just talking in sound bites approved by handlers. I don't think he has to practice, and that he says clearly and simply what he believes. I don't agree with everything he believes but I can put up with serious policy difference with another person. What I can't put up with is a weasel in an expensive suit.

Posted at 04:17 PM     Read More  

Mon - October 8, 2007

Taser Sex


Wake Forest Illinois School of Medicine has pronounced Tasers safe to use on people without killing them. This has come as a welcome balm to law enforcement officials, and just guys out having fun with Tasers. It shows the complainers to be, "just women," according to the University's ombudsman, Jerry "Bud" Barbie, former curator of the Barbie Museum. "The Taser is going through the same basic marketing cycle as the vibrator," he explained. "At first people pretended to use it for health, and then they began to admit the truth. They were using it for pleasure."

Posted at 12:40 PM     Read More  

Wed - October 3, 2007

Mercenary Magic


"It's when you piss blood," the Prince said. "It turns the urine dark ... thus, black water."
I leaned back in my chair and looked at the witness. From all reports he comes from a Christian family, highly conservative, values oriented. "So, you favored the name 'Blackwater' over, say, 'Bloody Piss?'"
"That's correct, Senator. Bloody Piss was briefly considered but rejected as too graphic."

Posted at 10:48 AM     Read More  

Thu - September 27, 2007

Shah's Trio


Last night I dropped by Shah's for a martini, because it's the specialty of the house, and because the guy who owns the place, an aristocratic Persian, controls the atmosphere. If its the first time you've come in, you can cool awhile, under his observation, before you get a drink. Or maybe you won't get a drink. Smirk or say something rude and you disappear. You won't get served.

Posted at 01:31 PM     Read More  

Wed - September 26, 2007

Bush Buys Magna Carta


I got to Sotheby's just in time to catch the start of the bidding. Nobody expected George Bush to show up, but he did, and the spider web of crisscrossing laser sights searching the curious faces for disquiet, and the 13th Century copy of the Magna Carta, lent a touch of magic to the moment.

Posted at 01:28 PM     Read More  

Tue - September 25, 2007

Ahmadinejad in the Googlers


I put on the Googlers and adjusted the cybersomatics, then zoomed off to the interview with Iranian President Ahmadinejad. The way he was greeted in the United States gave me a closer look at the way we're planning to work diplomatically with the nations in the Middle East to end the military occupation of Iraq. I'm surprised he wasn't Tasered just in case he had any peculiar ideas. Can't be too careful.

Posted at 04:08 PM     Read More  

Wed - March 7, 2007

Gildencock


Yesterday Linda the Web Mistress informed me that by putting Pussy in the title of the blog I would probably get caught in the porn filters, so I changed it to Pussycat. Not only that, I am already Banned in Beijing. As to why something like this would be banned in China I have no clue, unless they are like us, but with more discriminating filters. "Lookout men, this one's Capitalized. Steer clear of that intake."

Posted at 03:39 PM     Read More  

Mon - March 5, 2007

Pussycat


It's always good for a cheap laugh in a BBC comedy when an eccentric old woman calls her cat Miss Pussy, but recent anthropological evidence suggests a deeper connection exists, and that Miss Pussy may not be entirely benign. In a documentary to be aired on the new, "Disney Dark" channel, the controversial theory is put forward that cats altered the brain chemistry of humans through what is called, "Feline Absorption."

Posted at 03:08 PM     Read More  

Tue - January 9, 2007

The Castle


"Just close your eyes, sir, please," I said. I was a little nervous, hypnotizing the greatest warrior in time and space.
"Fart blossom?" He looked beseechingly at Rove, but the fat man just farted and shook his head.
"We've got to find a way out of this mother of all wars," he said. "Just go back and get the princess."
I shifted uncomfortably. "What Princess?" I asked, trying to sound like it was an innocuous question, like "Do you have a history of digestive trouble?" He grinned and shot one of those silent, deadly vipers that can knock a cat out off a window ledge. "Just get the princess on the phone, Svenghali."

Posted at 03:41 PM     Read More  

Mon - August 1, 2005

Bolton Blues


It was easy getting John Bolton on the telephone. "Nobody ever calls," he said, "except with makeover offers." I extended sympathy while suggesting that he might want to show his face, now that he is through his confirmation process. "I wasn't confirmed," he said. "But we have a saying in the revolutionary forces, 'If you're right, you're right."

Posted at 04:21 PM     Read More  

Thu - August 5, 2004

Kerry Confession


Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry today admitted that he entered a conspiracy with John McCain, Max Cleland, and several other highly decorated veterans to try and make the chicken hawks look bad by pretending to be actual war heroes. I contacted Karl Rove to congratulate him on another victory.

Posted at 09:24 PM     Read More  

Tue - August 3, 2004

Abdullah Oblongata


There was intense excitement in New York City yesterday as three year old intelligence came around like an impossibly slow motion swing at the bad guys. The government put on a show of force to impress the citizenry with how much firepower it can mobilize. And watching through binoculars from his office window, is Abdullah Oblongata.

Posted at 09:43 PM     Read More  

Tue - July 13, 2004

Sexual Danger


... was in the air when she talked to her musician friend at Uncle Ted's Garage. "Are you alright with these guitars?" he asked. I retreated snarling into the midnight hour with the Seagull. "Suspicious minds are talking," I said. "Trying to tear us apart. They say my love is wrong. They don't know what love is."

Posted at 09:32 PM     Read More  

Mon - May 31, 2004

Henpecked Husband


A fifty-year-old Zambian man, caught by his wife having sex with a hen, has killed himself. The hen was slaughtered by villagers. I managed to secure an exclusive interview with the widow, who narrowly escaped being killed by her husband. "He understandably wanted to keep his affair with the hen a private matter," she said.

Posted at 10:55 PM     Read More  

Thu - May 27, 2004

Interview With the Bicycle


President Bush went to Congress last week to do some cheerleading, telling lawmakers that handing power back to the Iraqi people is like taking the training wheels off a bicycle. "It's time for (the Iraqis) to take the bike and go forward," he said. He flew back to Texas, went for a bike ride, and fell off, losing some face. I interviewed the bicycle by telephone this morning.

Posted at 04:53 PM     Read More  

Mon - May 17, 2004

Metamorphosis


When the President has a dream which stands brightly in his mind on waking, and on which he reflects for a half hour -- staring out at the garden before suddenly opening his eyes and staring up into a grey, dawning light, and wondering where he might be -- what should he do?

Posted at 03:01 PM     Read More  

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