Kerry Confession


Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry today admitted that he entered a conspiracy with John McCain, Max Cleland, and several other highly decorated veterans to try and make the chicken hawks look bad by pretending to be actual war heroes. I contacted Karl Rove to congratulate him on another victory.

"I understand you've got Kerry on the ropes, Karl."

"I think we hurt him all right. It's a typical liberal strategy to try and build up the resume with military service at the lower levels, whereas G.W. went from Governor of Texas to military leader of the free world. Now, which one would you trust with your security?"

"You're saying that George Bush has some kind of advantage?"

"Yes he does, Dan. Kerry was a small time hero. Did you see the size of those boats? That wasn't exactly a ship he was commanding. But George Bush controls the greatest military machine the world has ever known."




"Are you worried at all that these men in your advertisement who say they served with Kerry actually didn't serve on his boat, and that the doctor who said he was faking serious injury wasn't the doctor who treated him?"

"As you know Dan, you can get a better overall view of things from a distance than you can close up. Those men who served on the boat with John Kerry couldn't actually see what was going on. You get on a boat that size and most of your field of view is actually the background, and because of a trick of perception, the foreground appears to be bigger than it really is."

"I'm not sure I'm following your logic."

"I'm simply saying that the men who were on the boat with Kerry were mistaken, because they could only see little pieces of a bigger picture, a picture that was viewed easily by men in other boats, from a distance."

"I guess there's some logic to that. But surely you can't apply that argument to Max Cleland or John McCain."

"We have evidence that Max Cleland got drunk and cut his arm and legs off with a chainsaw while wearing a pig mask. It was tragic but there was also something sinister and sleazy about this man's claiming to be a triple amputee."

"But ... he obviously is a triple amputee."

"Hey, he did it to himself is what we're saying. And I think you'll have to agree that he's something of an extremist. I mean, come on. Two legs and an arm? Who does he think he is, Christy Brown?"

"And McCain?"

"He obviously has a taste for dark meat, and that's all I'm gonna say on the subject."





"Do people actually believe these things?"

"Well, Dan, to quote Mencken, Nobody ever lost money underestimating the taste of the American public.

"So, you deliberately tell lies that destroy people's reputations and lives because ..."

"Because we know that a certain percentage of the population will believe that where there's smoke, there's fire. And besides, it's the only way we can possibly win this election."

"By the way, is it true that Lynndie England and Ann Coulter are in a lesbian relationship?"

"I wouldn't call it that. They admire each other in the way that the intellectual strategist admires the woman of action."

"Is it true that Coulter sent England a jeweled collar?"

"I'd call that an exaggeration. It was a simple rhinestone collar, much as you'd find in a pet store in any shopping mall."




"And John Kerry? What's next for him, Karl?"

"Well, just the things everybody knows already ... the homosexual affair between Kerry and Edwards for example ... Teresa Heinz Kerry's penchant for sex with Puerto Rican children ... that sort of thing ..."

Posted: Thu - August 5, 2004 at 09:24 PM