Bolton Blues


It was easy getting John Bolton on the telephone. "Nobody ever calls," he said, "except with makeover offers." I extended sympathy while suggesting that he might want to show his face, now that he is through his confirmation process. "I wasn't confirmed," he said. "But we have a saying in the revolutionary forces, 'If you're right, you're right."

"I see. Is there a particular constitutional principle on which the President is basing his decision to go around the Senate confirmation process and give you a back door appointment?"

"Yes there is, Dan. It's called the One Man One Vote principle."

"I don't get it."

"George Bush is one man. He has one vote."

"Moving ahead, John -- because I know you're busy --"

"Actually no, I'm not. Nobody likes me."

"George Bush must like you."

"No, we aren't the kind of men who like each other. Somebody might get the wrong idea."

"I want to get back to something you said earlier, about the revolutionary forces. What did you mean by that?"

"Dan, do you realize that there's not a damned bit of difference between socialism and communism? And there's very little difference between socialism and cooperation. This means the United Nations is basically a communist organization with an innocent facade. I intend to remind this little club of ethnic fruitcakes who's holding the heavy weapons. Do you realize that if we could just get some arms into orbit around the earth we could zero in on anybody, anywhere, anytime?"

"It feels like I ask you something and you talk about something else."

"That's because I'm crazy, Dan."

"You're crazy?"

"Mad as a fucking hatter. But I'm loyal to the right wing revolution."

"What are the goals of this revolution?"

"We want to bring a new feminine into the earth's psyche, Dan. We've tried Mary, we've tried the Black Madonna, we've tried Sophia, and we've tried Margaret Thatcher. Now we want to bring our feminine to power."

"Who might that be?"

"Ayn Rand."

"You really are mad."

"Many revolutions imposed from above, by God, revolve around the dreams of madmen, Dan. Ayn Rand perfectly expressed the world battle between the forces of communism and the forces of capitalism."

"But that was a propaganda war with the Soviet Union. It's over."

"Why do you think they call us conservatives, Dan?"

"You want to keep that?"

"We have to get back to it, Dan, or we'll never make any sense again."

"Ah, I see ... it's the only cure for your madness."

"That's right. You might see me as a right wing nut who throws tantrums and pushes people around, but I see me as a hero of individualism, rescuing America from her flirtation with world government, and with it, world socialism."

"You fancy yourself a John Galt?"

"No, Dan, I like girls. Especially Ayn Rand. If she actually had sex, I imagine it would have been with me."

"She was pretty explicit that she can't get off without a rape fantasy."

"That's what endears her to me, Dan. I understand how to make love to a woman like that."

"You must also have noticed that while she builds a one-sided idealism, she never displays a shred of a sense of humor."

"It doesn't look good on a really conservative woman, Dan."

"I see. Taking into account your insanity in a world without the classic confrontation of capitalism and communism, don't you think it's dangerous to try and drag the world back into the last century just so that you can understand it again?"

"Oh, I like danger. Some of my happiest times have been when I brought it to other people."

"There's no way out of this is there? You really do represent us to the rest of the world."

"I am the living representation of the people of the United States, before the world."

"God help us."

"That's our secret plan."

"Plan to do what?"

"That's classified."

Posted: Mon - August 1, 2005 at 04:21 PM