Ahmadinejad in the Googlers


I put on the Googlers and adjusted the cybersomatics, then zoomed off to the interview with Iranian President Ahmadinejad. The way he was greeted in the United States gave me a closer look at the way we're planning to work diplomatically with the nations in the Middle East to end the military occupation of Iraq. I'm surprised he wasn't Tasered just in case he had any peculiar ideas. Can't be too careful.

There is an endless supply of suspicious characters on earth, and any one selected can play the villain in the newest installment of, "Take my shadow. Please take my shadow."

I don't know what goes on in the minds of the people who are playing on the television set stage in our houses these days, but I think they could do with some of Don Juan's teachings, especially: "What other people do isn't important. What you do is important." It's a good way to protect yourself from becoming the asshole you project.

I found Ahmadinejad drinking expresso at a Starbucks near Columbia University.

"Getting all jittery," he said. What he actually said I don't know. I don't understand Persian. But the Googlers translate it by choosing key elements from the speech, like a search engine does, and putting those together with shifts in musculature, retinal scans, neural pathways lighting up, etc., to produce the finished piece.

"Do you mind if I call you Armani?"

"You don't have to call me Waylon Jennings," he said, grinning broadly. "And you don't have to call me Charley Pride. You know Iran is very full of American culture."

"That notwithstanding, I feel obliged to preface our meeting with the observation that you are a poorly educated man, who says some really stupid shit."

"Yes. I regret this is true. But what is the point you want to make?"

"Well, I don't see why you don't get along with the present administration."

"I don't get it either. A lot of them are like the guys I used to hang out with at the Persian U. Go Jihadis! That was our soccer team. Did you know I was a cheerleader?"

"I didn't know that."

"Sure. And my legs are way better than George's. Look at these."

"Don't do that, Mr. President. Put your pants back on, please."

"Boxers. You tell American people I don't wear sissy underwear. You know this guy?"

"Sponge Bob, Mr. President, the youngest son of the Bob Gang. You've heard of Jim Bob and Billy Bob, the two oldest boys. And then there was Joe Bob and Bob Bob with the girl, Shiska, in the middle, and Sponge Bob brought up the rear, so to speak."

"Hey, I know American culture. I know the dirty little coward who shot Mr. Howard and laid poor Jesse in his grave."

"I want to ask you some loaded questions, Mr. President."

"What does this mean?"

"Loaded, you know? Like loaded dice that always roll for the house? Loaded questions, like don't you know denying the Holocaust is dangerous? It can lead to awful consequences."

"Yes, like your President said, you left Vietnam and caused the killing fields in Cambodia. More people murdered than the Holocaust. All your fault."

"That's not true. An estimated eleven million were killed in the holocaust, almost half of them Catholics, Gypsies, and some non-Jewish homosexuals. So the Jews are majority stockholders but its not a privately held production. In Cambodia the number was more like two million people, but out of a population of about seven million. So as a percentage of the population it was a huge mass murder. And it isn't accurate that it happened because we pulled out troops. We destabilized the country with bombings."

"You still did it. Oops is no excuse."

"You would do well to begin to make your ideology connect to something real on the ground, Mr. President."

"Like your President does? We have a joke in Iran: 'President Bush is going to make history if he can get around the historians.'"

"Let's refocus on you and your arrogant, ignorant Islamic fundamentalist society. What gave you the idea it would be a good idea to gather the holocaust deniers together and have a convention? Isn't that about as socially ambitious as gathering up all the Elvis impersonators for a hayride? I mean, these people are on the fringe."

"Midnight Cowboy."

"Midnight Cowboy gave you the idea for a convention of holocaust deniers?"

"Joe Buck had the cowboy jacket with the fringe. I know about the fringe."

"Exactly. People who wear clothing with fringe on it aren't well thought of. I was looking at some pictures of that deniers meeting you hosted and I couldn't help but notice that there was a lot of fringe, zirconium, bolo ties, those shoes with springs for heels, that sort of thing. My question to you, sir, is: didn't that tip you off to their social theories being marginal at best?"

"What could I do? I'd already invited them. I had people wiping their asses with the good towels. Everybody was suffering from irritable bowel syndrome. It was a disaster. I thought Europeans were aristocrats. But it was, 'Pull my finger,' and, 'Ever see a one-eyed snake?' I expected Jim Carrey to show up. And when I finally got them out of there, the bills started coming in. Holy Allah, talk about spending political capital. 'What were you thinking you crazy Ahmadinejad? We're gonna bomb you.' You know how I feel now. Like this!"

"That's a vulgar gesture, Mr. President. Where'd you learn that?"

"Dick Cheney showed it to the Persian people. It's like John Wayne no? Randolph Scott. All my children learned it. They use it as cool American greeting."

"I wouldn't use Cheney as a social model if I were you. He has limitations as a goodwill ambassador. But let's move on to the bombshell you dropped at Colombia University. You said there are no homosexuals in Iran."

"I said we don't have homosexuals like you have here. In Iran there are men who play sexy sexy together, why not? But they have no fashion sense."

"That's hard to believe. You know when you agreed to do this interview you promised to not start making shit up."

"I'm sorry. I'm in the same spot your President Bush is in. I have to play to an audience of uneducated Koran thumpering soccer thugees, You think its easy to get enough red meat to throw to those ignorant goat herders? It's like feeding Little Otik."

"So let's get past the public posturing. Who does Ahmadinejad's look? It's relaxed casual. I like the tan windbreaker, it says, 'I don't have to wear a suit but I can't go out in a bathrobe. Is there a bowling alley in your town?'"

"Ali Khamenei gave me the windbreaker."

"Christmas present?"

"Huh?"

Posted: Tue - September 25, 2007 at 04:08 PM