Bush Buys Magna Carta


I got to Sotheby's just in time to catch the start of the bidding. Nobody expected George Bush to show up, but he did, and the spider web of crisscrossing laser sights searching the curious faces for disquiet, and the 13th Century copy of the Magna Carta, lent a touch of magic to the moment.

David Redden, vice-chairman of Sotheby's, moved to the podium to say a few words before the games got underway. He reminded the gathering that the Magna Carta is "the most important charter in the world. The document symbolises mankind's eternal quest for freedom," he said. "It is a vessel for everyone's hopes and fears; it tells us how the concept of freedom in law began. If we go back to find the seed from which it all comes back to, the Magna Carta has had a huge impact which resonates today."

"We could just take it away from them." The voice was familiar. It was Don Rumsfeld, who was apparently along as a consultant.

"It would be wrong," Bush said. He kept a straight face for almost two beats before they both exploded in laughter.

The auctioneer asked if there was anyone who had claim to the document, that they should speak up now or relinquish the right to press a claim.

"That's a government document," Rumsfeld said. "How can you sell something that belongs to the government?"

"This is the only copy of the document in private hands, Mr. Rumsfeld. It doesn't belong to the government."

"Damn," Bush said. "I've got to quit spending so much money. You sure this is worth thirty million?"

"What's thirty million?" Rumsfeld asked. "We've spent over a trillion on a cage fight in Bagdad."

"That's good for business, Rummy. And as a percentage of the GNP, it's peanuts."

"By the way, Congress sent over this bill for some kind of kids' health care."

"Screw that. It's creeping socialism." He affixes his veto.

The bidding was underway. It climbed from five million to seven million and from seven it climbed to ten. "Idiots," Bush said. "They're just driving up the price. Don't they know why I am?"

"I believe, by now, they do, Mr. President."

There was a loud whining noise as a forklift loaded with shrink wrapped pallets of hundred dollar bills began to navigate into the room. Blackwater guards moved through the room making space by using sweeping motions with their weapons. There was a deaf mute in the crowd who didn't move fast enough, but the Blackwater guards left him to house security, which Tasered him, to the delight of the audience.

When he had finished bouncing around in the throes of the hopefully non-lethal electrocution, there was a smattering of applause. The poor bastard, unable to speak, tried to sign again. "He's resisting!" a private cop barked, and they electrocuted him again. The crowd was getting bored with the same old dog and pony show.

"Put those pallets down right here," Rumsfeld said.

"Tell me one more time what we've got here," Bush said. "I could buy a couple of house seats with this much money."

"It's a document signed by King John in 1215. He didn't really want to sign it but he had no choice."

"Couldn't he use a signing statement?"

"Everybody had pretty much the same weapons systems then, sir. People could fight back."

"How we coming with the Death Star?"

"Cheney's on it. But the document established the principle in law that no man is above the law."

"Except the King, you mean?"

"No, that was the point, that whether or not you're the King, or the President, isn't important to the law, because the law's blind. It' doesn't care who you are. Anyway, it made the executive give up some rights, which, God willing, we are going to take back."

"Alito and Scalia are on that one. Roberts is on board unless he overcomes his education."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know what it means. It was something Kissinger said. Anything else this thing does? Restrict the right to arm bears or anything?"



"Well, it requires a speedy trial by a jury of one's peers so you can't be unlawfully imprisoned. You have to be charged right away and everything has to be on the up and up."

"Sure. And the terrorists win."

The bid by now was up to twenty million and most had dropped out. "How much we got here?"

"Sixty million, sir, but I don't think we have to go that high. I figured better to have some cushion than be caught short."

"Goddamn it, Don, we can't afford for this thing to fall into the wrong hands. How many people know about it already?"

"Not that many, really."

"Sixty million dollars." He smirked as the other bidders grumbled and shrank back from the suddenly menacing mercenaries. Aside to Rumsfeld, "That way somebody else has to move all if this out of here, and I can go ride my bicycle."

"Sold, to the President of the United States for sixty million dollars, the only private copy of the Magna Carta."

A reporter gathered the courage to shout a question. "Can you read it out loud, Mr. President?"

"I would," he said, "but the information in this document is classified." Aside to Rumsfeld: “Good thing Soros or somebody didn’t get hold of this thing, and go to the media with it.”

Posted: Wed - September 26, 2007 at 01:28 PM