Mercenary Magic


"It's when you piss blood," the Prince said. "It turns the urine dark ... thus, black water."
I leaned back in my chair and looked at the witness. From all reports he comes from a Christian family, highly conservative, values oriented. "So, you favored the name 'Blackwater' over, say, 'Bloody Piss?'"
"That's correct, Senator. Bloody Piss was briefly considered but rejected as too graphic."

"Let me understand this, Mr. Prince; you own an army, is that correct?"

"This is America, Senator. It's part of my right to bear arms."

"Owning your own army?"

"I's not like I don't pay taxes on the profits, but there are an unbelievable amount of expenses. Just the payoffs to the families of the people we kill are a major expenditure. Do you know how much they charge for a kid in Bagdad? Five thousand dollars."

"That seems a little steep for a kid. Do you consider the civilians you kill enemies?"

"If they weren't the enemy, why would we kill them?"

"I do believe that's the question we're asking here today, Mr. Prince. By the way, is that your real name?"

"Yes it is, Senator. My great grandfather was a German Shepherd."

"And is it true that you and your brother, the Mercenary formerly known as Prince, were raised by wolves?"

"No sir. You're thinking of Romulus and Remus, who were born of a vestal virgin and Mars, the God of War. I do, however, subscribe to the same general belief system. The names change but the idea is the same. We like our women uncontaminated by sexuality."

"Even your mothers?"

"Especially our mothers, Senator. We keep them strictly separated from the whores."

"In other words you believe in magical reality?"

"Yes Senator, I do."

"And do you have any evidence of there being such a thing as magic?"

"I do. Yes sir."

"And would you be willing to give this august body evidence of this magic?"

"Just take a look at our no bid contracts, Senator. They certainly transcend logic."

"I can't argue with that. Now ... Mr. Prince ... who, exactly, do you consider to be the enemy in Iraq?"

"The GAO, sir."

"The senator's time has expired. Now we move to a Republican, who will open his questioning of Mr. Prince by a provocative display of his hindquarters as a gesture of submission. Mr. Prince, do you accept the senator as your toady?"

"Senator Hindquarters is an old friend of the family, and I appreciate his submissive posturing. If more people were submissive we wouldn't have to kill them."

"Go ahead, Senator Hindquarters."

"Mr. Prince, when I look at you I see myself when I was a young man. I was white, too, and even though I didn't actually serve in combat, I always wanted to kill people with my hands. Have you killed people with your hands?"

"With both hands, Senator. I could reach in through your belly button and jerk out your intestines before you could piss yourself."

"Could you autograph my ass?"

"Sure. Does anybody have a magic marker?"

Posted: Wed - October 3, 2007 at 10:48 AM