Taser Sex


Wake Forest Illinois School of Medicine has pronounced Tasers safe to use on people without killing them. This has come as a welcome balm to law enforcement officials, and just guys out having fun with Tasers. It shows the complainers to be, "just women," according to the University's ombudsman, Jerry "Bud" Barbie, former curator of the Barbie Museum. "The Taser is going through the same basic marketing cycle as the vibrator," he explained. "At first people pretended to use it for health, and then they began to admit the truth. They were using it for pleasure."

The underground buzz (yes, I know) is that if somebody hits you with a Taser when you are floating on the brink of orgasm the overall effect is similar to the Tasering conversion process of Jewy Newton, who reportedly saw the face of Christ turn into a jigsaw puzzle and rearrange itself as a well known painting by Georgia O'Keefe. Jewy was, unfortunately, "turned" by the experience and now dresses like a whore and goes dancing with foreign sailors.

"So I can't say the Taser is entirely safe," Bud said, with a half smile.

"Would you say that half smile is ironic?" I asked.

"What smile?" He did it again. Then he pushed outward with open palms like he was defending against an attack. "Don't ask me if I remember the 'what hump' scene with Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein. You students don't know anything except in relationship to movies."

"Students? I'm going to be sixty on my next birthday. I'm not a student here."

"Then why are you here again?" He seemed jittery and nervous, like he had lost the ability to concentrate.

"Are you okay?"

"Sure I am. That Tasering didn't bother me a goddamned bit. In fact it showed me the eternal nature of darkness, and how we'll all get there in time if the speed of light is a true constant. What was I saying?"

"You were saying that the Taser is like the vibrator, in that it is moving from the realm of sexual taboo into open use as a sex aid."

"Right. That's right. You see, when the electrical charge hits you, what it does is, well, it takes any self control you might have had, any sense of control over the situation in which you find yourself, and it gives it to the state. Right now, the state is hungry. I can't recall seeing it this ravenous."

"So ... we're turning into feeders?

"In a word, yes; we have to keep feeding authority so that everything doesn't go out of control." He paused and seemed to search for meaning. "Control is God. That means if you oppose it, you're toast if it's His will." He leaned confidentially toward me. "His will is in style now, like cigars were when Clinton was in office."

"So to keep things from going out of control, authority figures can Taser anybody they want and say they had it coming because they weren't being passive enough?"

"Exactly. That's the top down model of authority today, Monday, October eighth, the year of our Lord two thousand and seven. All resistance is futile. The authority of the arresting officer is the same as depicted in the art installations at the Barbie Museum. Perhaps you have been there?"

"No, but I saw it in a movie."

"That was a back lot set. In the real museum we have the pleasure dome."

"Really? You're talking about the Klaus Barbie Museum?"

"He got a bad rap, like most of the Nazis. They didn't hate Jews. They hated resistance to conformity, because what they loved more than anything was being men of high stature, men, in fact, approaching Godliness." He chuckled and added, "If you're in authority, you might as well take all the courage from other people and give them your weakness, eh? How else are you going to get the weakness trapped where you can destroy it? And nothing feels quite so wonderful as being a Godly man."

"We all know what that's like," I said. "You begin to feel your masculine beauty expanding and a moment later your face is the face of a noble savage. You are pure of heart and absolved of all guilt because what could be more important than getting everything in order? And all you have to do is eschew ambiguity in favor of what's right. In this instance, far right."

"Not only that," he whispered excitedly, "you kick ass."

"We're talking an Old Testament Godliness here I assume?"

"Exactly. This is the God of Law, who elevates order above, say, understanding. And to put things in order you have to exert control over dissidents. Chaos has to be quelled and then destroyed, so that everything comes out all right in the end of the story." He paused and looked worried. "You do believe in Armageddon?"

"Increasingly, yes. But in the end, it never does come out all right, because there's always a balance between order and chaos. If you apply too much order, you actually set the stage for more chaos. I mean, one day you find the policeman you hired to protect you from bad guys shooting contacts into your flesh along which travel a charge of electricity which enters your nervous system and takes away your control over your own body.

"And while you're down there on the pavement you realize that your spawn belongs to the state at conception, and your piss belongs to the state, and your young ones can be sent off to do mercenary duty securing our oil, which is, unfortunately, under the sands of Arabia. And all the time this is happening there's a rational, good natured discussion about whether or not electrocuting people randomly on the streets of America is safe."

Bud had drifted away and wasn't really listening. He kept muttering something about the speed of light. There was a prolonged silence and after awhile he seemed to come around. He said, "The lessons of history are fine, I guess, but we're studying current events. We live in a Post 911 World, and as long as people hate us for our freedom we have to be willing to give some of it up, so that they'll at least feel a little more congenial toward us. As in any relationship, there's give and take. Hopefully we'll meet somewhere in the middle. For example, we torture, but we don't use electric drills or wire cutters. This will, hopefully, bring us all to a more civil level of discourse, and when our own soldiers are captured, they won't have jumper cables on their balls."

"I'm still not sure I see how a Taser is like a vibrator. It seems more like a torture device that doesn't leave marks, like beating somebody with a bar of soap in a sock or something."

"The vibrator and the Taser both give you a buzz, it's just that the Taser has what you might think of as a much higher speed setting. Have you ever been Tasered?"

"Not yet, but now that's it's been deemed harmless I don't see why I shouldn't jump in the pool with the radio, so to speak. But should I, uh, prepare myself, first?"

He pushed a button on his telephone and said distinctly, "Marion, send in the fluffer." A moment later a real doll came through the door.

"Say, you university people are really a sophisticated bunch."

"Academics are the rock stars of teaching, Dan. We are allowed to live on the edge."

"She looks so real."

"Pure silicon running in her veins."

"Whoa! Who programmed this thing?"

"I don't know but she was a bad girl."

"Okay. Ready. Aim. Fire!"

It was lovely, really. There was a slight sting as the projectiles penetrated my flesh and embedded themselves in the muscle tissue, and then the world exploded. The timing was perfect, and I must say, the experience ecstatic. I didn't see Jewy Newton's puzzle or Bud's sexual preoccupation with control and submission. My experience was more like having fifty thousand volts of electricity pumped into my body, which is roughly the same at the micro level of bombing a country to disrupt all communications before sending in the ground troops and helicopters.

"Shock and awesome!"

All voluntary control over the muscles was gone and I was helpless. Being helpless, I released and allowed myself to gain control of the situation by, paradoxically, surrendering control. What a wonderful way to gain the upper hand. When you give up, nobody can force you to do anything, and there is that wonderful knowledge of helplessness in the face of authority. Regression to infancy is erotic stuff, especially if you wore your Depends. Yes, the central question here is one of permanent damage, just like with water boarding. Why entertain human dignity? It don't shake that thing!

At the peak of orgasm, I had my vision. I was expecting Jennifer Tilly, but no. It was the ghost of Fred. Rogers, and he was showing the kids a Taser gun. "Let's say hello to our new friend," he said. "It's a portable electroshock unit, so we can treat crazy people right on the streets. But it's not just good for making crazy people behave normally. Mr. Taser has a secret. Can you say: sadomasochistic eroticism? I knew that you could."

"Wasn't that special?" Bud was so enthusiastic about Taser sex I just couldn't be negative, even though I don't think abject surrender is going to solve the problem with abuse of authority. So I just nodded. He wouldn't leave it alone. "Can you imagine people being upset about this? What kind of pussies wouldn't get a charge out of this?"

"Hard to believe they'd deprive their children of the Taser experience, should they protest the government or something like that. Best to get people used to crowd control. Besides, if they fail to learn to be totally submissive to authority, they'll never get to heaven."

"It's good to meet a man who takes a common sense approach to these things."

"Thank you, Bud. And thanks for showing me the shocking truth about Tasers. Your university is to be commended for coming down squarely on the American public."

"We're here to support people in uniforms, Dan."

Posted: Mon - October 8, 2007 at 12:40 PM