Neoconezer the Younger


Neoconezer the Younger is probably the least known of the Vice President's advisors. His brothers, Cole, Jim, John and Bob, rose to prominence as security contractors. Not many reporters have had the opportunity to see Neoconezer in person, but like Plato's shadows on the cave wall, they have seen the effects of his influence on administration policy.

"We must be related," Neoconezer said, when introduced to Bush the Younger.

"What?"

"We're both, 'the younger.'"

"Younger than who? Rumsfeld?"

"Never mind that right now. Dick and Rummy said you wish to leave the details of Middle East policy to trusted advisors, as you specialize more in domestic affairs."

"You're thinking of Clinton. He had affairs. Sex is okay, but when it's over everybody's alive. I mean there are exceptions, snuff films and child rape and what not, but as a general rule you can fuck as hard as you want and the worst you accomplish is a yeast infection. That doesn't seem right to me. Does it to you?"

"It is a pity isn't it? That you can't at least do some soft tissue damage, I mean. I think I have some pictures you might like. The best ones we had to erase. They were very hot. Ah, here comes the blogger I told you about."

"He's not going get this picked up by Salon or something?"

"Not a chance. Nobody will be the wiser."

"What's a wiser? Is that like a wizard or something?"

It was at that point I arrived; the audio prior to this I pulled off the security monitor.

We were in Cheney's office, which is where Neoconezer feels comfortable. He knows Dick, Rummy, and is especially fond of David Addingon and his mistress, Serpentina. In fact, he has features of each of them, like a composite, but with Bill Kristol's sardonic smile. I was surprised that Bush had never met him before, but as he doesn't know anything about foreigners, he hadn't bothered to find out who actually formulates policy toward them in their various and colorful manifestations.

"You must be Neoconezer," I said. "You're about as easy to interview as Kaiser Soze."

"Kaiser Soze isn't like the character portrayed in the movies. Not many people know that he's a special advisor on rendition and enhanced interrogation for the C.I.A. He's a hard man, and he knows how to get inside the heads of suspected insurgents. Literally, I mean, with an electric drill."

"You know how many people try out for cheerleader and get rejected?" Bush asked.

"It's harder as you get older," I said, politely, then turned back to the advisor, "What's your background Mr. Neoconezer?"

"Just Neoconezer. It's the one name thing, like with Sting and Prince. My background is as a relocation specialist. When people find themselves sitting on land that they don't have the ambition or the know how to develop, I help move them someplace more economically suitable to their station in life."

"Did you ever hear of Little Nell?" Bush asked. "Well, this is the guy who got her to sign over the deed to the ranch."

Neoconezer spread his hands and half smiled. "She heard that train a'comin it was rolling round the bend."

"His great grandfather helped move the Cherokees out of Tennessee and Georgia," Bush said proudly. "He moved the Cheyenne, the Apaches and the Sioux onto reservations."

"It's a family tradition," Neoconezer said modestly. "I moved the Palestinians out of the promised land."

"Why did you do that?"

He turned his palms up and smiled. "It was promised to somebody else."

"Whose was it to promise?"

Bush said, "Our interests and the interests of Israel are identical."

"That's what Feinstein and Schumer said," I agreed. "You reach across party lines on this one. But just as we had to deal with our treatment of the blacks and natives, at some point Israel has to deal with their treatment of the Palestinians. Although I understand that it's almost impossible to forgive someone you've wronged. I mean, I'll bet you despise Al Gore. By the way, did you get a look at his Nobel?"

The President smiled. Actually it was more of a smirk. "The enemy of my friend is my enemy," he said, "and the friend of my enemy is my friend." Odd muscular contractions were causing his ears to pull out and down, so that they seemed to be trying to flap like wings, but in slow motion.

"Does this happen often?" I asked.

"I'm afraid so," Neoconezer said. "You can see how important it is to have advisors who make policy for him. Without me, he'd be just another nutcase chasing a mirage. As luck would have it, he's actually conquering the world."

"I don't think it's going that well, actually."

"Nonsense. We needed to get permanent bases established in Iraq and we've got them. You might hear a lot of whining about unethical and illegal behavior, but who enforces the law?" I didn't reply and after a moment he continued. "Enforce means what it says. The law is supported by force."

"As opposed, you mean, to supporting force with laws?"

"Use the force, Luke," Bush said, imitating Obi Won Kenobi's voice.

Neoconezer ignored him and I followed suit. "We're about the use of compassionate occupation and pre-emptive warfare," he said. "Our policy is that if another country is building up an arsenal of dangerous offensive weapons, they must be planning to use them. So when we attack it's not really aggression, it's actually a defensive move."

"So you actually respond to a passive aggression?"

"Yes, and that's the worst kind. My mother was like that and it made me want to smack her."

I opened my laptop. "Take a look at this graph," I said. "It suggests that we're the ones who keep preparing for war, which forces other countries to increase their military spending to try and counter us as a threat to their sovereignty."




"The budget last year was up to five hundred thirty two billion, which means adding almost another two hundred billion onto the U.S. pillar in the chart. And that doesn't count the cost of Iraq and Afghanistan, because they're being funded off the books, and it doesn't count the cost of maintaining the nuclear arsenal, which is under the Department of Energy budget. How can we say other people are the problem when we're the ones preparing for war?"

"That's not true. We're preparing for peace. To prepare for peace you have to prepare for war, because only if you are so strong nobody will challenge you, can you enforce peace."

"So that's what we're doing in Iraq right now? Enforcing peace?"

"Exactly. We went in to deliver the Iraqi people from tyranny, and as long as there is resistance to our generous offer of help, we will support those loyal and patriotic Iraqis who recognize on which side the bread is buttered."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"It means that should the bread fall on the floor, let us hope it falls butter side up."

"That doesn't mean anything. It's worse than mixed metaphor. It's mixed logical constructions. These aren't bread and butter issues."

"Those are not Republican values," Bush said. "Let the free market take care of that."

Neoconezer suddenly grew tired and his jowls relaxed. His large eyes blinked slowly, like an alligator's. He said, "Still and all, I miss my dog." There was an awkward silence.

"It's like this," he said. "Ten years from now the cost of the war isn't going to matter. What's going to matter is that we're going to run on oil but we aren't going to have but a fraction of what we need. When we look at where the oil is that can be developed, we are looking at Iraq and the Caspian Basin. That's the prize.

"Frankly we don't give a goddamn what the war costs because we don't have any choice but to establish control over the basin or abandon our allies."

"Which allies?"

"Chevron, Shell, Exxon, BP, you name it. They'll fall like dominos if we aren't vigilant. We shook the Soviet Union apart and we're going to gather the fucking apples. War's business, Dan. And this is a President who does his business from a high place, and in public."

"Okay, enough background. You said you have a new policy, a new direction for America."

"That's right, Dan. We've decided to keep the Coalition of the Willing Intact. We figure they supported America when we needed them, so they're the only ones we have any obligation toward."

"So ... we're going to turn away from Russia, China, Germany, France, and most of the rest of the world, and throw in our lot with Uzbekistan, Georgia, Poland, Estonia and Latvia?"

"It's a new world order, Dan, and it cries out for at least the pretense of legitimacy, no matter how absurd it might appear to an objective observer."

"Can you expand on that idea?"

"Well, in reality, how many objective observers do we have to worry about?"

"I see your point. You can probably get away with anything."

"We intend to give it the old college try."

Bush snapped to attention.

Posted: Fri - December 7, 2007 at 09:01 PM