The Clinton Monster


The Obama Campaign's Samantha Power backed off her portrayal of Hillary Clinton as a "monster," revising it to: "Hillary provides subsidized housing for a monster." While Power was forced to resign because of her monstrous allegation, she did stimulate an internal affairs investigation injected directly into Hillary's inferior vena cava, to discover what monster has moved into her basement.

After circumnavigating the Clinton psyche, internal affairs has confirmed the monster's existence, but the Clinton camp has assured voters that it is, indeed, contained. "It appears to be a monster which feeds on a deadly mix of jealousy, vanity, and overweening ambition," said Robert Penn Prick, best known for his examination of the Bush father-son dynamic which has held the nation in thrall for almost eight years. "If you think the son trying to outdo his dad was ugly, wait until you see the woman scorned trying to outdo her husband."

"Are you saying the monster is Hillary's need to show her husband who wears the jockey shorts in the family?"

"No, Dan, this is an actual monster, not a metaphorical one ... and besides, Bill wears boxers to avoid the confrontation."

"What can you tell us about this monster, Bob?"

"Well, for one thing, it's green; not a pretty green, either. For another thing, it is has a potent venom created by a reduction process from black hash, and injected through the anal cavity of the media, which as you can imagine is huge."

"What you're saying is that the monster kills by blowing a narcotic smoke up America's collective ass?"

"Essentially that's correct, Dan. But it doesn't literally destroy all life on earth, at least we hope not. That depends on which Hillary answers the red telephone. God forbid it should ring while she's in a deep sleep while wearing pearls and makeup. What it does is make the people who have suddenly found new hope not give a shit because there's no way to change the entrenched power structure anyway. If you win, they'll change the rules, or just bias the reporting process.

"A good example is the Texas primary. If Hillary didn't win that one she was expected to stop attacking and accept that she's not going to get the delegates she needs. Winning Texas would mean not just getting the popular vote, but getting the most delegates. If it was just popular vote Al Gore would have been President. You have to play by the rules of the game in place at the point you agree to play the game, and you can't change them to make yourself the winner. That's the monster. The Bush family knows all about that."

"I think I'm beginning to see the outlines of this monster. That's why she says Obama is like Bush , and like Ken Starr? Because she's using their tactics?"

"Of course. Right out of the Karl Rove playbook. If you accuse the other side of what you're doing and keep saying it often enough and loud enough you get an echo chamber going. George W. Bush would have never been heard of in national politics if his father hadn't been elected President. Hillary swept into the White House because she was married to Bill. She is the one who compares directly to the mistake we made with George W. Bush, and she is the one using Ken Starr tactics. It's no different from Rove's attacking Kerry's war record to divert attention from Bush's biggest vulnerability.

"The real news in the Texas primary is that we don't know who won, but it was probably Obama.

"The results were announced weeks before they will actually be available because of the complexity of the rules. But they are the rules of the game. Clinton doesn't like them because she didn't prepare a ground game that would allow her to win the caucuses. Obama did plan his ground game, which suggests he's much more competent than she is in the campaign, so why would he be less competent in governing? She wants to change the rules, there, as well as change the rules that Florida and Michigan will be excluded for not following the rules. If she was playing poker she'd have been shot by now."

"That's the monster blowing the narcotic smoke up our collective ass."

"Yes it is. Obama is most likely the winner of the primary but the press announced it for Hillary. Now the true results will have about as much impact as the late retraction of a front page child molestation charge."

"So the press nodded off into a narcotic daze and trashed Obama to even up the coverage?"

"Exactly. They had to bring Obama down to Hillary's level to make the coverage fair and balanced."

"That's crazy."

"Yea, crazy like a fox. And because she won't release her tax returns and show who is giving her money, she begins to try to drum up some kind of scandal against Obama about like the Whitewater investigation Ken Starr prosecuted against her and Bill. But she isn't really doing it. The monster is doing it. Once she wins the monster will go back to sleep. She promises it will."

"So it works a lot like Iraq?"

"Yea. You just let the monster out temporarily, but it's not really you. It's just an emergency kind of thing to secure the victory, and as soon as you get the necessary killing done you rein the monster back in.

"We've got a candidate who has inspired millions of people to become active in the political process. Well over a million average Americans have given him donations so that he doesn't have to take lobbyist money, because they want to clean up this whorehouse in Washington. The monster has to blow enough smoke up America's ass to dupe half the people -- that would be the half that doesn't read -- so that we can get back to business as usual: total partisan gridlock.

Posted: Fri - March 7, 2008 at 01:17 PM