Bush Gives Good Scold


In the news today, Bush is "scolding" Spain for pulling out of Iraq. Though he was expected to contain his rebukes to newly elected Spanish prime minister Zapatero, he has expanded parental criticism to the Spanish people through a new program, "Be Little."

The idea of Americans traveling to foreign lands and belittling the citizenry is, according to a White House spokesman, a natural evolution of trashing domestic enemies of the administration.

Right wing political guru Karl Rove, interviewed by telephone this morning, said, "It is good policy to oppose weakness and promote strength in the face of terrorism. Once the Spanish caved in and gave the terrorists a win, they became our enemy, and you know what it means when you cross us ... we retaliate with overwhelming force. We are retaliating against the Spanish people, because they are the real traitors here. Without their votes Zapatero couldn't have been elected."

"How will you accomplish this, Mr. Rove?"

"Well, Dan, we've decided on a grass roots effort, something that the ordinary man on the street in Barcelona or Madrid can both understand and be afraid of, and that is sarcasm. I don't know if you realize it, but sarcasm is to conversation as the Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle is to ethnic weddings."

"I have heard that sarcasm is actually deadly for someone without defenses. Will you take responsibility for civilian casualties if your volunteers turn on a sensitive person in an unguarded moment?"

"Dan, war has casualties, and this is an important part of the war on terrorism. We'd rather berate people in Spain than have them coming to our country, harassing and belittling people on the streets of New York and Chicago. But, I might add this ... our citizens are the best armed people in the world, and if they have to protect themselves from sarcastic asides and snarling rebukes, they have our approval.

"Are you saying, Mr. Rove, that you are encouraging Americans to shoot people who are sarcastic with them?"

"Not at all."

"It sounded like you were saying that."

"I said they can protect themselves, but this need not be limited to gunfire."

"I see. Tell me, Mr. Rove, what will be the typical scenario? Let's say a group of Be Little volunteers is working the la Playa de la Barcelona. Give me some idea of just exactly how they will go about belittling the Spanish? Will they, for example, concentrate on the physical appearance of passersby? Or will they focus on a general criticism of the Spanish people's political stance?"

"Definitely the first option, Dan. We know from experience that when you put the spin machine in motion, it works best if it strikes the personal life of the target, not some generality that could apply to almost anybody. That isn't really painful enough to make a difference.

"We've refined this method of intimidation over many, many years, and we know it works for us."

"Yes. Well, give me an example. How many volunteers work in a group, and how do they choose their targets?"

"We have a saying in the party, Dan: 'Browner is a downer.' We believe that the natural superiority of white people is recognized by dark people even if they don't like to admit it. So we use overwhelming force, by dispatching white volunteers who have spent many years in commuter traffic. This has hardened them against the tendency to have any mercy on people who are in their way, and provided them a social model for the acceptability of verbal abuse."

"Okay. Let's imagine I'm a Spaniard ..."

"You rat-faced maggot, don't have the balls god gave a Chinese lawn jockey ..."

"Okay let me rephrase that. Let's imagine that we are in a Spanish city, it's late afternoon and there are lots of people on the street. And on one corner is a group of American Be Little volunteers. What might we observe?"

"Just an extension of our national policy toward Zapatero, Dan. Let's say a woman is crossing the street, and she's wearing the communist uniform ..."

"What would that be?"

"Pants."

"Okay."

" ... so one of our volunteers might perform the Ann Coulter maneuver on her just as she steps off the curb."

" ... the Ann Coulter maneuver?"

"Yes. She would first accuse her of being a lesbian, in order to reduce her status and make her more vulnerable, then, while she is still stunned by the personal nature of the attack, she might begin to comment on her makeup, saying she looks like a clown hooking at a freak show, suggest she has cobwebs in her pussy, that sort of thing."

"I see. And what is the political payoff for this kind of behavior?"

"The same as for trashing the French, Dan. We are able to unburden ourselves of allies who don't really like us very much, and to do so in such a way as to pave the way for wars that last more than a week. The Spanish, French, Germans and Russians have real weapons, and if we can alienate them with enough panache, we might get a war going that's worthy of the name."

"Why would we want to do that?"

"Munitions, Dan. The National Rifle Association is simply the public relations arm of the people who manufacture munitions used in war. We came dangerously close to shutting down one of the most profitable industries in the United States, and the one that is the most dedicated supporter of the Republican candidates, at the end of the Cold War.

"I believe if Gore had been able to actually take office after he was elected, it would have been a lost cause. Four more years of cooperation with the European Union and we'd have had a hell of a time continuing the one million dollars per minute we are spending on the American military machine."

"So ... we begin by teaching our citizens to be arrogant and rude to the people of other nations ..."

" ... yes ... and then when we begin killing them, they've already been dehumanized enough so that we don't get all sloppy and sentimental over it."

"We're going to kill the Spanish?"

"Hey, let's start with a parental scolding, escalate to sarcasm and demeaning remarks, and once these diplomatic efforts fail, then we'll have no choice but to defend freedom and democracy."

Posted: Tue - April 20, 2004 at 03:03 PM