Chavez: "Bush is an asshole"


Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Bush an "asshole" on Sunday, for meddling in the country's affairs. He said he is not Aristide, and will not be driven out of office. In a related story, a White House spokesman said that putting "Bush is an Asshole" in quotes and giving Chavez attribution "is verbal slight-of-hand which does not pass unnoticed."


"He's catching onto that sort of thing," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. "And frankly, he is not amused."

"Can you give us an example, Scott?"

"Well there's the Chavez quote, of course."

"Specifically, Scott."

A titter passes through the press corps. McClellan grins and shakes his head. "Specifically, the Venezuelan President said, 'Bush is an asshole.' Emphasis is Mr. Chavez's and not mine. Jerry?"

"Did he use that particular word, Scott, or did he use the more formal 'sphincter'?"

"No, he's a Mexican, and sphincter sounds German though I imagine it's Latin. He probably said it in Spanish."

Excuse me, Scott, but he's the President of Venezuela, he's not Mexican."

"Yea, but you know what I mean. Latin, if Mexican is too trendy. The fact is, he called the President an asshole, and he used that word, as I understand it, not a nice word like 'anus' or 'brown eye.' Richard?"

"What is the Spanish expression he used, Scott?"

"Buscar flete, I believe it is, unless I'm confusing it with Fleet Enemas. The gentleman from El Paso?"

"Buscar flete doesn't mean 'asshole,' Scott. It means 'to go searching for pussy.'"

"Helen?"

"Scott, did the Venezuelan President in fact accuse the President of being in search of pussy?"

"Hard to hear you in the back of the room there Helen." There is nervous tittering among the troops.

"That's a Democratic issue, as you know, Helen, because it is shameful. I suggest you take it across the aisle and let us get on with production quotas. We've got bullet manufacturing at 24-hours-a-day and it looks like we might have to outsource to India. The lady from Reuters?"

"So what is a Spanish asshole called anyway?"

"Fidel Castro," madam. "Gracious y amore mucho el de atras."

"And cut to commercial announcement."

"You can learn all the "alternative" Spanish words you need to protect yourself from restaurant staffs lurking behind the waiters, in the 'Alternative Spanish Dictionary .' The invisible armies of Mexico see you and hear you. What are they saying about You? How will you know if you don't understand words like, 'Pimp,' and 'Dickless freak' in Spanish?"

I remember an image from Somerset Maugham, an Englishman on a boat on a jungle river, and he is enjoying the picturesque atmosphere. The blacks are singing as they work, and he asks, "What are they singing about?"

The captain says, "They're singing about you."

Suddenly he's interested in a different way. He had forgotten that they were watching him, and did not share his view of their role as colorful background for his romantic adventure.

"Yea? What are they saying about me?"

"They are saying, 'He has many cigarettes, yet he offers no man a cigarette.'"

"So, they think of me as ..."

"As an asshole, yes sir."

Posted: Mon - March 1, 2004 at 06:48 AM